YES Just. Jesus. #thatJesusGuy)

I remember when I was younger I used to get soooo mad whenever the worship songs we sang were more about Jesus than about God. It seemed childish and empty when people prayed to Jesus. For some reason, I discredited Jesus, counting Him as 'less than' God. After all, it was GOD who created the universe, GOD who formed my being, GOD who wrote my destiny- and that of the rest of the world's-and it was GOD who sent Jesus to die for us. My young mind did not understand the whole Trinity "Jesus, God, and the Holy Spirit ARE One" thing. To be honest, I still don't fully comprehend it. The easiest way I can think to break it down is this: Equilateral Triangle. The three different sides and points ARE 'seperate' but it is still ONE triangle. No part being more important than the other, each serving a separate role, yet functioning as a whole, incomplete without even just ONE. 

Anyway, my point in this is not to write about the Trinity. That's something you can take up with God when you get to Heaven (if you even remember trivial things like that when you get there. I have a feeling we won't...we'll be too busy gawking at everything, and partying and praising and worshipping and (hopefully) eating!! ANYHOOZLE...I digress). My point is to say this: my very young self was naive to think that Jesus was lesser than God, and it caused me to miss out on years of relationship with His part of the 'Triangle.' As I got older, I understood Jesus was equal, but I didn't honestly give Him much thought. At least not until this past year. 

I didn't have any grand revealing, or vision, or dream, or miracle that triggered it...it was just a man. A man who threw the gates wide open on his life...his past, his present, and what he felt coming in the future. Raw. He was very raw and transparent, and this enabled the light inside him to shine in blinding capacities!! And it was annoying. Really. Freaking. Annoying. Especially to someone whose own mess had begun to dull her shine. "I got this S*** handled" she thought to herself, when in reality her "S***" was about to hit the fan. She was walking around in a drunken stupor, trying to convince herself she wasn't drunk...But she was.She was incapacitated, and she didn't even know it. Until THIS GUY, this annoying, talking, bumbling idiot, who was so filled to overflowing with Christ and His Spirit, kept crossing her path. 

At first, she didn't understand why he irked her so badly. She should be happy for him. He was a new believer of the faith she professed to be a part of/ live out. He was kind, caring, gentle, yet persistent. He was bold, and real, outspoken and joyful. He was a servant and a leader. He was intuitive like he knew your story, yet asked questions like a stranger. Yet, in all his goodness, he just rubbed her the wrong way. It was like being rudely awakened in the dead of night with a flashlight being shone in your freaking face. And she was NOT happy about it.  But she fell in love with him...well, she fell in love with the One who was doing the shining in him. Jesus. After countless encounters, and frustrated rants at God, she finally asked "God, what's going on here? Who does he remind me of? I'm drawn to him, as if he's someone I'm familiar with, yet he's so frustrating. You wanna let me know what's going on here?" and His reply was simply this: "It's Christ. You see Christ in him, which is why you are both drawn to him, and repelled by him. Because My Son is in him, and you want to hide from that--you want to hide from Him." 

Can you say "Ouch."? Can you imagine the God of the Universe calling you out because YOU DON'T WANNA BE AROUND HIS SON??? The Son who came to this earth to be beaten, bruised, bloodied beyond recognition, all because you will never make the cut otherwise. The Son who makes it possible for you to get into Heaven. The Son who loves you, and wants to make you His bride. And you want nothing to do with Him...and after years of this, God finally calls you out for a problem you didn't even acknowledge you had...can you imagine the humiliation, the heartbreak, the stupidity, and the FREEDOM that was felt in that moment? It was like hanging out naked in the dark, curled up in a ball, hands covering shut eyes for years, and the lights all come on, someone forces your hands from your eyes, and hold your lids open and there's not a single shred of darkness left to look to. You're exposed, revealed, and MAN your head hurts, your world is spinning, but you realize its a rescue squad, coming to carry you out of this pit. 

That's what it was like for me to meet Jesus for real. I've known OF Him for years. Known stuff and learned stuff about Him my whole life...but it wasn't until I truly got to KNOW Him for myself that my life became any different. Ya wanna know why? Keep reading and I'll tell you why:} 

YES What Does Jesus Look Like? (On that Jesus Guy)

What does Jesus look like? Because we ourselves are supposed to model our lives after His, shouldn't we know what He looks like? The Jesus iiiiiiii know is kind and gentle, but firm and convincing. The Jesus iiiii know has intimate relationships and frank conversations. The Jesus iiiiii know is a bit sarcastic, but never without reason, meaning and justification, and He is doesn't do it with the intent of hurting people, He does it with the intent of bringing awareness. The Jesus iiiii know loved without condition or judgement. The Jesus iiii know saw all the faults and did not let them get in the way of how He treated people. The Jesus iiiii know sat at the feet of His heavenly Father and poured out His heart that was burdened towards hurting people. The Jesus iiiii know got on His face before God, let God know that He didn't want to do this, but said "Thy will be done" and died because His Father said to. The Jesus iiiii know gave it all so that we wouldn't have to. He took the ultimate suffering and ultimate DEATH for us, so that we only have to deal the side-effects of our sin, and not the ultimate punishment. He did not look at the party-goers and say "pssh, I'm too good for you. You're a bad person, so I'm not gonna hang out with you" He did not look at the hurting and say "I'll pray for you" and walk away without a second thought. He did not look at the 'good people' and say "Separate yourselves from the other heathens around you. Reprimand them, tell them they are wrong, that you'll pray for them, then walk away." He was not a goodie-two-shoes. He was straight forward, honest, genuine. He spoke words of love and truth. He spoke words of forgiveness to the adulteress woman, and words of healing to the lame, blind, and dead, as well as to the broken, battered, and bruised. He told the pharisees straight up that He was God's son and that He could be about His Father's business on the Sabbath. And that if He saw a need, He sure as sure was gonna meet it, no matter WHAT day of the week it was! And meet needs He did. He befriended the poor and the outcasts. He dined with the whores and the thieves. He loved the loveless, fed the hungry, healed the sick, the lame, the blind, and He taught them all, and He loved them ALL.

      Do you know Him? Do you know this man, who was God incarnate? The Word of God with flesh on. "The Word became flesh and blood and moved into the neighborhood...[Now] We all live off his generous bounty,gift after gift after gift.We got the basics from Moses,and then this exuberant giving and receiving, This endless knowing and understanding— all this came through Jesus, the Messiah.No one has ever seen God, not so much as a glimpse.This one-of-a-kind God-Expression, who exists at the very heart of the Father, has made him plain as day.John 1:14-18 Message Translation. 

     Do you know that the one and only Son of God, came to live a flawless, perfect life, like He knew you never could, and He laid it down, His perfect, Holy life for YOU. He was beaten beyond recognition, so when you got to Heaven, you would be hidden in Christ's perfection( Colossians 3:3)--none of your sins will catch you beyond this earth. They're all stuck here while your spirit ascends. 

            Do you know that all you have to do to get into Heaven is believe that Jesus was who He said He was? Believe that He is the one and only Son of the One True God of the Universe, and accept Him as the God and Leader of your life. That's your ticket in, and then you have open access to God's ear and voice, through His Son--Jesus. Do you know, that if you do that, when the Father in Heaven, Lord of the Universe looks upon you, He doesn't see a sinner, or a hopeless wreck? Do you know that He looks upon you, not only with acceptance, but with everlasting APPROVAL? He loves you and longs for a relationship with you. And if you want to be part of that, all you have to do is ask Him for forgiveness (it's yours for the accepting), and honestly tell Him that you're willing to let go of the reigns, and follow His will for your life--which is BEST! "immeasurably more than you could ever ask or imagine!" (Ephesians 3:20)

     If you want that, or have questions about it, go to someone you know who knows Christ. Don't be embarrassed. Trust me, they will be so excited to share it with you!! 

And as for you who do know Christ, and have accepted Him and His leadership in your life, answer me these questions: 

So what about you? Are you being formed more and more into the likeness of Jesus, like God intended?  Do you see a need and meet it? Do you befriend the outcasts, the sinners, the people who are not like you? Do you speak words of love and healing? Do you reflect Christ in ALL you do, and do people see Christ in you, even when you're having a bad day? Are you about the Father's business, even when it's not convenient or easy for you?

    And I have to ask myself the same questions every day.  Do I see a need and meet it? Do I befriend the outcasts, the sinners, the people who are not like me? Do I speak words of love and healing? Do people see Christ when they look at me, or just another goodie two shoes Christian who has her nose in the air? I pray that they see Jesus Christ when they see me. I wanna be the person people love to be around. The woman who people can count on to be honest, but loving. Truthful, but kind. I wanna be the one who people can come to, knowing they will not be judged. I wanna be Jesus to a hurting world. I wanna be the person Jesus was talking about when He said "You will do even greater things..." I WANNA DO GREATER THINGS!! Not for my glory, but for HIS. All for His glory, I will strive to be like Jesus.

On Buckets...

"Oh, he's a bucket filler!" exclaimed my six year old brother, with a big grin on his face.
"A bucket filler?" I asked, giggling, thinking he had mis-said something.
"A bucket filler, not an emptier," chimed in my 10 year old sister, and as she echoed his verbage, I pushed for an explanation. They explained that their class (I'm assuming at church) was learning about how everyone has an imaginary bucket inside of them, and there are people that either fill the bucket with good things, in a positive way. There are also people who are bucket emptiers--those who sap your joy, sap your energy, etc. etc.

My boyfriend, as my brother so boldly and correctly pointed out, is a bucket filler. He is helpful, cleaning my living room, folding my laundry, helping at my parent's house, choosing daily to love me in spite of my emotional outbursts, temper-tantrums, fears, and endless shortcomings. He is a bucket filler.

Over the years I have been friends with several bucket emptiers. Those who sucked me dry. They were demanding of my energy, time, money, joy, etc. They took and took without giving anything in return. They

On Cleaning

House work is NEVER EVER EVER finished. Ever. There's always one more room, one more project, one more something. Or, as soon as you think you have everything clean, kids come home, you realize you have clothes in the washer, the cat tears apart a tissue that appeared out of nowhere, you use a dish or two or seven...It's never ending, even the small things. Then, you decide to take on a big project: renovate the kitchen, clean your closet, paint the bathroom, fix the plumbing, clean out the fridge, etc. tHEN, there's the things you need to get: groceries, a new couch, a vacuum, a lamp. Always room for improvement. It's rough, but rewarding. But again, it's NEVER finished. Kind of like God's work in us. Ok...now bear with me while I [word for tell a story]

in May of (2012) I moved into a cute little old farm house. At first glance it didn't look too bad. It seemed to need a bit of cleaning, a paint job, and some organization, but it appeared doable...HA!!!!! I was so naive. First of all, it's an old farm house. That in and of itself entails old plumbing, crooked walls, decades old wall paper, funky cielings, and lots of random critters....Second of all, 2 boys lived here before me. Need I say more? Probably not, but since I can't help myself, let me give you a very brief run down: filthy windows. Everything was dusty, dead bugs, mouse poop, slimy nasty God-knows-what, random crap they'd left behind (including hair-infested electric razors...ya, thanks guys...), old mail, nail-clipping infested carpets (umm YUCK!), and a garage filled with beer cans, nasty trash, pizza boxes, a messed up couch, and whatever they had thrown out of their car when they cleaned it out. And all of that was just surface level. I had NOOOOO idea what I was getting myself into. Since moving in I have spent ATLEAST 200 hours cleaning, painting, scrubbing, peeling, washing, vacuuming, sweeping, mopping, sweating, all trying to get this place looking good. And DANG. It does look SOOOO much better. But I still have a TON of stuff to do before it's acceptable for me to pass off to any one else. 

I have learned that there are varying levels of cleaning that needs to take place. There are the HUGE projects (knocking down walls, removing doors, ripping up carpets, peeling wall paper, washing walls, painting them, painting trim, and coat #2...or #3...or #4). There are BIG projects (cleaning out fridge, cleaning the stove in and around and under, rearranging furniture). There are SMALL projects (dusting, paint touch ups). Then, there are weekly necessities, like cleaning the bathroom, mopping, and straightening up the bedroom [which often ends up being a BIG project if you're like me:P]). Finally, there are daily nuisances (dishes, laundry, sweeping). As I have been learning about these varying levels of cleaning, and putting them into practice in my own home, God has been teaching me an even larger lesson that is such a beautiful truth. 

Because my Heavenly Father knows that I learn incredibly well through analogies, He gave me a beautiful, paralelled analogy for me between the work He is doing in my soul and the work I am doing on my house. You see, like this house I moved into, my soul had been abused, neglected, and filthy. I had junk that didn't belong, many years of built up dust, random slime that I wasn't able to identify, and God saw that it was time to clean out this dump. And He's done exactly that. He has done a thourough cleaning of my soul and really, my entire being. He has thrown a ton of stuff out, including terrible thoughts, bitterness, anger, rage, selfishness, lust, and many many more. He has scrubbed clean each and every surface. He has painted the inside of my heart new, bright, shining, beautiful colors. He has washed the windows of my eyes so I can see clearly with His heart (yes i DID mean to put that:P). He has moved in a couch of peace, a bed of trust, and end-tables of righteousness. He cleared away cobwebbs of distrust, and killed the spiders with their poison of bitterness. He has completely transformed me. You wouldn't recognize my soul from then to now. Even after just a few months of that, I could barely recognize myself. 

The intensity of the exact likeness between what I've worked on in my house, and what's going on in my soul and life is uncanny and only explainable with God. From lack of motivation to make the changes, to the need to go over certain areas again and again and again, to daily upkeep, and majorly HUGE projects, to moving some things in, and getting other things out, every detail has some paralell meaning for me. I could talk for HOURS about each detail, each comparison, each fragment that God has so perfectly lined up. However, my fingers would fall off, and my computer burst into flames because of how much there is, and how fast I would have to be typing to finish it before I die!--ok, maybe that's an exaggeration...but I digress.  So, to honor your time and my own, I shall share with you only the overall message that God is showing me: no matter how far we come with Him, no matter how good we look on the inside, or the outside, there is always something more we can learn, accomplish, bring in, change, move out, etc. He will tear down walls, rip up carpets, and replace fixtures you thought were adequate--but our God is not a God of 'adequacy.' He is a God of PERFECTION.  But, that is not a bad thing. It is an incredibly beautiful thing, you know why? Because that means God will ALWAYS have something more for us. Something more beautiful to show us, or bestow upon us. There will be something greater He will call us to. He will take something old and replace it with something new and better. Something my pastor has said is that "God is in the business of transformation." And this God of the Universe, your Creator, has the heart of Love toward you that desires nothing less than to turn you into a PALACE. 

Transformation is a process, and thank God we never arrive till we die, because that means we are never done growing, never done getting better, and NEVER EVER without God with us, making us all we can be. And though there are days, moments, sometimes endless months of painful renovation, in the end, I believe we will look back and not wish to trade a second of it...

"God loves you exactly where you are, but He loves you too much to let you stay there." 

Take Heart (On Living Deeply)

Awake my heart
Sleep no longer
Dormant you have lost your passion.

Weary heart
I know you're aching
Like a limb tormented by the cold

In this world we live
death's embrace seems warmer
Here: caring more of crimes of fashion
than the tragedy of wounded souls

Awake my heart
Though the prospect's bleak
Your the only hope for world's redemption


You are plan A--
You must engage
For the rescue plan here to be set in motion

You're the soldiers on the ground,
He the commander

**On Positivity...and why it's worth it.

On the outside, and to people who aren't around me a whole lot, I'm seemingly very pleasant and positive...but to be honest, there's a lot of negativity swirling around in my mind much of the time. I've tried to write it off, claiming to be "realistic" and "down to earth." Nope. I'm sometimes just downright pessimistic. 

"Never forget how blessed you are. Don't be negative when you have so much to be POSITIVE about."  

On Rest ***

"Just lean into Him. You don't have to strive in His presence…Just lean in…"