Some days I just can't handle it. I can't handle my tire blowing. I can't handle only having $10 to my name. I can't handle having a headache. I can't handle trying to clean my refridgerator and breaking it. I can't handle the stupid mistakes I've made in the past 24 hours. I can't handle not knowing who to call. I can't handle waiting. I can't handle pmsing. I can't handle being $6000 in debt (not including school). I can't handle being scatter brained, and not being able to do what needs to get done. I can't handle not having the energy or inspiration to write or read or listen to a sermon. I can't handle my messy house. I can't handle trying not to cuss. I can't handle my car overheating. I can't handle my boyfriend snapping at me. I can't handle the fact that I have jobs...but I can't start them yet. I can't handle showing up to mow a friends house (after forgetting keys, forgetting the mower, and driving 45 min out of the way because of all that.) I can't handle not having enough money for gas or for groceries. I can't handle the $30 overdraft fee because I forgot to take back the damn redbox dvd. I can't handle it. I can't handle the fact that my mom had to pay my car payment this month...and I dont know when I can even pay her back. I can't handle the fact that one of my ex-best friends won't even talk to me, and I can't handle that it was largely my fault. I can't handle the guilt of not having a job for the past 7 months, and having my boyfriend supporting me. I can't handle sharing a car with him. I can't handle the fact that if I had just had a job we'd actually have some extra money. I can't handle the fact that I quit a decent job for a job I thought I wanted, then I got fired from that job. I can't handle the fact that God loves me in spite of all this. In spite of all the cuss words I've thrown out,and all the objects I've just thrown. I can't handle it. I feel like a jerk, like a failure, like an idiot. I feel worthless, malicious, hateful, hypocritical.
I'm not always like this, but when I am--I go from sweet little church girl to the hulk in 2.2 seconds. And I. CAN'T. HANDLE IT. And I just needed to be honest with you about that.
No comments:
Post a Comment