"My entire life, I have never had a hard time showing people
love. But for the past several years I have had a hard time truly letting myself
fully love and be loved. I am afraid to get hurt. I am afraid to give myself
away so fully to someone, that if they left me, or hurt me, it would tear me
apart. At one point it had gotten to the point that if they didn’t leave at a certain point
in the relationship, I would leave to save myself. Then I found a relationship
where the person did not leave me. Years came and went, and this person never
let me down, never abandoned me, never hurt me. Honestly, I don’t know what to
do with that. There have been times where I have tried to leave Him, times when
I have turned my back on Him, because I am paranoid. But I always come running
back. And He is there with open arms, ready and willing to take me back.
In all the years that I have had a relationship with Him, He
has never given me reason to doubt. Never given me a reason not to trust. And
yet, I still have days where I let my past relationships with stupid people define my relationship
with Him. That is stupid on my part. His track record is clean. Spotless even.
So why do I still have such a hard time letting myself go fully? It is because
I am afraid. But I'm sick of being afraid. So I'm taking a stand. I want this
relationship to work. I want to love and be loved in return. And He is the only
one who can show me a perfect picture of that. So here it goes. I am making Him
the exception. I am letting go of my fears, trusting Him to catch me. He is the
only exception."
I wrote this about 2 years ago. And as I have let go, let God love me, and embraced His love, it made a way for other exceptions. Slowly, but very surely, I have opened up and begun loving deeply once again. As of a week ago, I am engaged to an amazing man, whom I love with all I have, and who I have learned to let love me, and he loves me so well. I have a few close friends who know my heart, and several more who I have invited along on this journey with me. It's been a long and difficult road. I went through hours of counseling, and took many hours away from the world to get one-on-one with Christ to learn to trust Him, and learn to 'embrace the grace' and love He pours out on me. It's not easy, because I know how unloveable I can be. I know I don't deserve it. But, that's the whole point. NONE of us deserve it. It's not about us. It's about Him. What He has ALREADY done. We just have to accept it, embrace it and walk in it. Being transformed by His love.
I'm not going to say that it's easy, because it's not. It's a constant, deliberate overriding of my emotions, my laziness, my fear. I have to choose to stay in His presence, to accept His love. To not let my own feelings toward myself dictate whether or not I accept His Love. My love for myself is conditional--contingent on how well I perform. Did I remember to turn off the oven? Did I keep my anger in check? Did I lose my phone? Did I burn dinner? Did I cuss? Did I pay that bill? Did I remember to do my devotions?
This is why it is not up to me to determine my 'worthiness' to be loved. God determined my worthiness long before I was born. He determined our worthiness, our 'deservedness' before the existence of any of us. And you know what He decided? He decided we were worth His Son's life. Worth His life. He determined that having us as part of His family was worth the ultimate sacrifice of all sacrifices. He paid it all before it needed paid. In essence He told Satan "I don't care WHAT type of bill they rack up. Here's my credit card. Max it out. They. Are. Worth it." Ya'll, we are WORTH IT. The God of the Universe declared it so. And He LOVES us! I know I have said this throughout the entirety of this book, but I think we all need to hear it: He. Loves. Us. Period.
We need to stop trying to 'get our ducks in a row' or 'get better or fixed up' before we come to Him, into His presence. We don't have to take a bath before we jump in the River of His loving presence. The prodigal son did not wash up before he went home to see his Father, and yet, the Father RAN TO HIM, and wrapped His arms around His filthy, stinky, dirty son. He kissed his cheek, prepared a feast for him, and gave him the best of all the robes to cover up with. The son did not do anything to deserve the Fathers love, care, and affection. In fact, quite the opposite, as I cover in the 'On Forgiving Yourself' this prodigal son had run away with half of his Father's money, squandered it, and was now crawling back, asking to just be a servant. He knew he didn't deserve his Father's love, or even to be His son anymore. BUT! Oh, what a beautiful word this is. BUT! The Father's love for His son was not based on His son's actions, or whether or not he seemed to 'deserve' it. The Father's love, and outpouring of blessings was based on this one single fact: this prodigal was. His. Son. And there was nothing the son could do to change that.
It's not about our worth…it's about our birth. We are the Children of God, and He loves us as such. Nothing we can do can change that. So, we can only accept it, and be changed by it. This is why making an exception was worth it.
I wrote this about 2 years ago. And as I have let go, let God love me, and embraced His love, it made a way for other exceptions. Slowly, but very surely, I have opened up and begun loving deeply once again. As of a week ago, I am engaged to an amazing man, whom I love with all I have, and who I have learned to let love me, and he loves me so well. I have a few close friends who know my heart, and several more who I have invited along on this journey with me. It's been a long and difficult road. I went through hours of counseling, and took many hours away from the world to get one-on-one with Christ to learn to trust Him, and learn to 'embrace the grace' and love He pours out on me. It's not easy, because I know how unloveable I can be. I know I don't deserve it. But, that's the whole point. NONE of us deserve it. It's not about us. It's about Him. What He has ALREADY done. We just have to accept it, embrace it and walk in it. Being transformed by His love.
I'm not going to say that it's easy, because it's not. It's a constant, deliberate overriding of my emotions, my laziness, my fear. I have to choose to stay in His presence, to accept His love. To not let my own feelings toward myself dictate whether or not I accept His Love. My love for myself is conditional--contingent on how well I perform. Did I remember to turn off the oven? Did I keep my anger in check? Did I lose my phone? Did I burn dinner? Did I cuss? Did I pay that bill? Did I remember to do my devotions?
This is why it is not up to me to determine my 'worthiness' to be loved. God determined my worthiness long before I was born. He determined our worthiness, our 'deservedness' before the existence of any of us. And you know what He decided? He decided we were worth His Son's life. Worth His life. He determined that having us as part of His family was worth the ultimate sacrifice of all sacrifices. He paid it all before it needed paid. In essence He told Satan "I don't care WHAT type of bill they rack up. Here's my credit card. Max it out. They. Are. Worth it." Ya'll, we are WORTH IT. The God of the Universe declared it so. And He LOVES us! I know I have said this throughout the entirety of this book, but I think we all need to hear it: He. Loves. Us. Period.
We need to stop trying to 'get our ducks in a row' or 'get better or fixed up' before we come to Him, into His presence. We don't have to take a bath before we jump in the River of His loving presence. The prodigal son did not wash up before he went home to see his Father, and yet, the Father RAN TO HIM, and wrapped His arms around His filthy, stinky, dirty son. He kissed his cheek, prepared a feast for him, and gave him the best of all the robes to cover up with. The son did not do anything to deserve the Fathers love, care, and affection. In fact, quite the opposite, as I cover in the 'On Forgiving Yourself' this prodigal son had run away with half of his Father's money, squandered it, and was now crawling back, asking to just be a servant. He knew he didn't deserve his Father's love, or even to be His son anymore. BUT! Oh, what a beautiful word this is. BUT! The Father's love for His son was not based on His son's actions, or whether or not he seemed to 'deserve' it. The Father's love, and outpouring of blessings was based on this one single fact: this prodigal was. His. Son. And there was nothing the son could do to change that.
It's not about our worth…it's about our birth. We are the Children of God, and He loves us as such. Nothing we can do can change that. So, we can only accept it, and be changed by it. This is why making an exception was worth it.
No comments:
Post a Comment