A while back I realized that I hit a point where I begin to resent the people who love me most. I cant seem to wrap my mind around why they would wanna do that to themselves. I have come to believe it will end in pain of the acutest kind for both parties. I know the worst I am capable of. I am deceitful, manipulative, envious, with the emotionally stability of an upright cucumber. I am unforgiving as Ohio weather, spiteful as a myspace blogger and more bitter than an open bottle of wine in a humid kitchen.
I know what I'm capable of. I can be more destructive than a tornado in The Alley, and my path is often deliberate. I'm attractive like lightning, but just as deadly. But, unlike lightning, I do strike the same place twice. I strike again and again. I hurt people and I know it. I don't always try, but it happens a lot. I hate it, but I can't seem to control it for the most part. And if I do, I try to hurt them minimally and push them away in the beginning, before any permanent damage is done.
I'm not really sure why. The only thing I can come up with is that I can't love myself, so why would any one else ever love me? I've found myself spiteful and pissed off when people forgive me, shrug off all my ugly, all my scars, all the harsh words and confusion I emit. It's like projectile vomit, all over everyone I love and try to care about. But the best ones, they love me any way.
With the love and patience and forgiveness of Christ, they love me. I recently found this video and the quote that hit me most was this "God will ask each of us only ONE question: 'Did you believe that I loved you; That I desired you; That I waited for you day after day; That I longed to hear the sound of your voice?'"
If I can learn to answer yes to this question, and shape my life accordingly, I think I'll finally learn to let others love me too. And then, and only then, I'll be all right. And that will be beautiful.
How do I learn to answer yes to this question? I have reached the end of my rope trying to be good. I have failed time and again to be worthy of this Love. I have prayed the prayers, and taken the steps, used up all my strength, and it's gotten me no where, so I pray, Lord, it's me. Again. I'm sorry. Again. What do I do? How can I change? What am I doing wrong?
"Let Me Love you." is His gentle reply. "Just let Me Love you. Surrender control, let yourself be. Be real and honest. Do not compare, and do not try to earn. You do not have to earn my Love. You CANNOT earn my Love. My Love for you just is. Let Me Love you, and that will change you. It cannot happen the other way around. Just let Me Love you. That is all I ask of you. Let Me Love you. Let Me Love you. Let Me Love you. Let Me love you."
You see, I try so hard. I think we all struggle with this from time to time, trying to earn God's love. Trying to be worthy by our own standards, but we never will be. Nothing we do, or refrain from doing will ever be enough to cover up all the screw ups, all the sins, all the ugly within us. We are not sinners because we sin, we sin because we are sinners…we were born into it, and the only freedom from our nature, from our natural disposition, is Christ. He was born a sinner, and overcame sin. And we look from a distance with a sneer "Ya, well, He's Jesus. Good for Him, I could never…good for Him, He could do it, there's no way in…" Yes. EXACTLY! I'm just now getting this. There was NO WAY we could do it. NO WAY we could ever overcome our sin-nature to be good enough to be welcomed into the Kingdom of God, to be loved, cherished, desired, pursued by the King of the Universe. The Holy, Almighty God! There was no way any of us could have done it, and He knew that. He knew it, so He came to do it for us, because, yes, He IS Jesus. He IS perfect! And that's the point. Now we don't have to do it! We don't have to be perfect. So let us STOP TRYING!!! STOP STRIVING! STOP COMPARING! STOP! Just, stop. Let go. Stop being so hard on yourself! LET HIM LOVE YOU! Let what He did for you on the cross be enough, and stop pretending, stop LIVING like it wasn't
enough, like you have to do something, like you could do something to make up the difference. He asks nothing of us, nothing except to let Him Love us, and for us to be moldable. As a river rushes through a ravine, the ravine does not have to try to be shaped, carved into the pattern of the river, the ravine just is; dirt and mud. As the ravine is in connection, in relationship with the river it is delicately, slowly carved into something shapely, something beautiful, something breathtaking. That is all God asks of us, to be in connection with Him, with His Love; to be and let Him mold us into something awe strikingly beautiful we could have never become on our own. THAT is the power of letting Him love us…even when all we see is dirt and pebbles, He sees what we will become--something beautiful.
And to be frank, if the Creator of the Universe can love you enough to die for you, who are you to not to? :]
How do I learn to answer yes to this question? I have reached the end of my rope trying to be good. I have failed time and again to be worthy of this Love. I have prayed the prayers, and taken the steps, used up all my strength, and it's gotten me no where, so I pray, Lord, it's me. Again. I'm sorry. Again. What do I do? How can I change? What am I doing wrong?
"Let Me Love you." is His gentle reply. "Just let Me Love you. Surrender control, let yourself be. Be real and honest. Do not compare, and do not try to earn. You do not have to earn my Love. You CANNOT earn my Love. My Love for you just is. Let Me Love you, and that will change you. It cannot happen the other way around. Just let Me Love you. That is all I ask of you. Let Me Love you. Let Me Love you. Let Me Love you. Let Me love you."
You see, I try so hard. I think we all struggle with this from time to time, trying to earn God's love. Trying to be worthy by our own standards, but we never will be. Nothing we do, or refrain from doing will ever be enough to cover up all the screw ups, all the sins, all the ugly within us. We are not sinners because we sin, we sin because we are sinners…we were born into it, and the only freedom from our nature, from our natural disposition, is Christ. He was born a sinner, and overcame sin. And we look from a distance with a sneer "Ya, well, He's Jesus. Good for Him, I could never…good for Him, He could do it, there's no way in…" Yes. EXACTLY! I'm just now getting this. There was NO WAY we could do it. NO WAY we could ever overcome our sin-nature to be good enough to be welcomed into the Kingdom of God, to be loved, cherished, desired, pursued by the King of the Universe. The Holy, Almighty God! There was no way any of us could have done it, and He knew that. He knew it, so He came to do it for us, because, yes, He IS Jesus. He IS perfect! And that's the point. Now we don't have to do it! We don't have to be perfect. So let us STOP TRYING!!! STOP STRIVING! STOP COMPARING! STOP! Just, stop. Let go. Stop being so hard on yourself! LET HIM LOVE YOU! Let what He did for you on the cross be enough, and stop pretending, stop LIVING like it wasn't
enough, like you have to do something, like you could do something to make up the difference. He asks nothing of us, nothing except to let Him Love us, and for us to be moldable. As a river rushes through a ravine, the ravine does not have to try to be shaped, carved into the pattern of the river, the ravine just is; dirt and mud. As the ravine is in connection, in relationship with the river it is delicately, slowly carved into something shapely, something beautiful, something breathtaking. That is all God asks of us, to be in connection with Him, with His Love; to be and let Him mold us into something awe strikingly beautiful we could have never become on our own. THAT is the power of letting Him love us…even when all we see is dirt and pebbles, He sees what we will become--something beautiful.
And to be frank, if the Creator of the Universe can love you enough to die for you, who are you to not to? :]
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