I recently realized that I resent the people who love me most. I cant seem to wrap my mind around why they would wanna do that to themselves. I know it will end in pain of the acutest kind for both parties. I know what I'm capable of. I am deceitful, manipulative, envious, with the emotionally stability of an upright cucumber. I am unforgiving as Ohio weather, spiteful as a myspace blogger and more bitter than an open bottle of wine in a humid kitchen.
I know what I'm capable of. I can be more destructive than a tornado in The Alley, and my path is often deliberate. I'm attractive like lightning, but just as deadly. But, unlike lightning, I do strike the same place twice. I strike again and again. I'm sure there's some animal in the animal kingdom I could relate to, but this gotsta do for now. I hurt people and I know it. I don't always try, but it happens a lot. I hate it, but I can't seem to control it for the most part. And if I do, I try to hurt them minimally and push them away in the beginning.
I'm not really sure why. The only thing I can come up with is that I can't love myself, so why would any one else ever love me? I've found myself spiteful and pissed off when people forgive me, shrug off all my ugly, all my scars, all the harsh words and confusion I emit. It's like projectile vomit, all over everyone I love and try to care about. But they love me any way.
With the love and patience and forgiveness of Christ, they love me. I recently found this video and the quote that hit me most was this "God will ask each of us only ONE question: 'Did you believe that I loved you; That I desired you; That I waited for you day after day; That I longed to hear the sound of your voice?'"
If I can learn to answer yes to this question, and shape my life accordingly, I think I'll finally learn to let others love me too. And then, and only then, I'll be all right. And that will be beautiful.
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